Book Club Guide

This Is How You Love Her

A Journey to Radical Self-Love
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This Is How You Love Her book cover

About the book

What if you didn’t need Bali to find yourself? For 14 years, Traci Saulsberry led communications at NBC, becoming one of the youngest Black executives at the company. She had everything a modern woman is told to want—the house, her son, the high-powered job.

But when her carefully constructed life collapsed, Saulsberry was confronted with a question she’d been avoiding for years: Who was she, really?

Here I was, caught on my heels, with no backup lover to pick up the slack. Naturally, because I am a product of an adolescence spent binging rom-coms filled with sweeping tales, I wanted to run away and leave it all behind. I romanticized that there must be a flight to the farthest island on the edge of the world where I could just start over again. My archnemesis, reality, quickly snapped me out of that daydream. I wasn’t going anywhere. I felt trapped.

This Is How You Love Her is a vulnerable narrative guide to uncovering your identity in life’s small moments, right where you are. With wit and insight, heart and cinematic prose, Saulsberry weaves together pages from her journal, conversational guides, poetry, and reflection prompts in this memoir-meets-guide that gives readers permission to get to know themselves at their own pace.

For anyone who’s ever lost themselves in work, relationships, or the image they built to survive—this is your roadmap home.

And this is how you love her.

Discussion questions

Pick three or four themes for one evening. You don’t need to get through all six, and you don’t need to have finished the book to participate.

1. Who was she, really?

From Part 1, "perfection"

"I have spent my entire life longing to be seen and desperately wishing I was invisible."
  1. Traci starts off the book saying she marks time by whatever boy she loved, and she uses that as a framework for tracing back her own story. How do you mark time, and what do you think that says about you?
  2. In "who are you?," Langston asks Traci whether she has actually found herself, and instead of answering she stuffs a piece of dry coffee cake in her mouth. What’s a question about your own life you aren’t ready to answer yet, and what’s your coffee cake, the thing you reach for so you don’t have to?
  3. Traci traces her perfectionism from being the "good girl" in her family to painting the perfect picture at NBC. Who taught you what a good girl looks like, and where in your life are you still painting the perfect picture?
  4. When Traci sits down to put into words who she is, the only sentence that comes is her job at NBC, and she closes the computer. Try it now: write one sentence about who you are without mentioning your job or your role in anyone else’s life. What came easily, and what was hard to leave out?
  5. Traci made what she called a life-altering decision involving her body based on what she thought others would think. Whose opinion has had the loudest voice in your decisions, and what’s one choice you’d make this year if you only listened to your own?

2. Right where you are

From Part 2, "letting go"

  1. In "a new start," Traci daydreams about running off to an island to start over before reality, her archnemesis, reminds her that she can’t escape her life and responsibilities. Where is your farthest island, the place you run to in your head, and what are you hoping to find there that you could start looking for right where you are?
  2. Traci never cried once about leaving NBC, though she cried for three minutes when Sam left. Think about something that ended in your life. What did you grieve that surprised you, and what didn’t you grieve that you expected to?
  3. In "letting go," Traci talks about being confronted with her greatest fear. What’s a fear you’ve been circling, and what do you think you’d learn about yourself if you walked straight into it?

3. Date night with me

From "boy time" and Part 4, "getting grounded"

  1. In "i met a girl and fell in love," Traci lights every candle she owns, sprays enough eucalyptus to make herself cough, and asks herself what her favorite color is. When was the last time you took yourself on a date, and what would your perfect night with yourself look like?
  2. Traci grew up believing in the rom-com version of love, Brooklyn Bridge proposal and all. Which movie love story did you grow up on, what did it teach you to expect from love, and what do you expect now?

4. The people who held up a mirror

From Part 1, "perfection," and Part 6, "boundaries"

"I’ve come to realize that most of the seismic figures that enter our lives are in some ways versions of ourselves we are being asked to look at."
  1. When Traci finds out Langston has been hiding that he’s an award-winning filmmaker, she realizes he is her mirror. Who has been a mirror in your life, and what did they show you about yourself that you didn’t want to see? (Names optional.)
  2. In "(best) friends," Nia tells Traci she can’t talk with her about Langston anymore, and Traci is furious before she’s grateful. Has a friend ever set a boundary with you that stung at first, and what did it teach you about the kind of friend you want to be?
  3. In "customer service," a flirty call with a phone-company rep turns into a fight that shows Traci and Adonis they’ve been playing house. Is there a relationship in your life where you’ve been playing a role instead of saying what’s true, and what boundary would make it more honest?

5. Home in your body

From Part 3, "body autonomy," and Part 4, "getting grounded"

  1. In "black carrie," Traci books what she calls a corporate headshot and ends up in an old Emmys gown in her empty living room, kicking off the heels and letting the camera see her. When did you last feel completely like yourself in your own skin, and what were you doing?
  2. Traci goes to pottery class hoping for her own Patrick Swayze moment, never finishes a single bowl, and says she got more than she needed. What’s something you’re happily bad at, and what would you try if it didn’t have to turn out well?
  3. In "body autonomy," Traci traces the devastating moment where she lost her sense of self. Have you ever felt far away from yourself, and what brought you back, or what do you think might?

6. Signs, surrender and a rom-com ending

From Part 5, "control," and "a rom-com ending"

  1. In "a horse named red," a dream, a flower section full of red blooms and a stranger’s Instagram post all point Traci to a ranch in Ojai. Do you believe in signs? Tell us about one you followed, or one you’d rather not admit you ignored.
  2. At the ranch, Andrea teaches Traci to stop narrating every worst-case scenario and to say out loud what she wants instead. Which worst-case story does your mind tell most often, and what would it sound like to say what you want instead?
  3. Traci promises in the introduction that there’s a happy ending, and in "a rom-com ending" it arrives as a woman on an airport bathroom floor, a business of her own and a reservation for one. What would a rom-com ending look like in your life right now, and what’s one scene you could start writing this week?

Three journal prompts to do together

Traci found herself one small question at a time, and these are built the same way. Give everyone seven minutes of quiet with a pen, then invite anyone who wants to share a line to read it. Sharing is always optional.

  1. The first date. Borrowed from her guide to dating yourself, where short, choppy answers are more than enough: What’s your favorite color, what does your perfect Sunday look like, and what’s your favorite food?
  2. The coat closet. Traci cleared out her house and found a map of what she was really holding on to: What’s one thing you’re keeping (an object, a habit or a story about yourself) that no longer brings you a sense of joy?
  3. Who are you? The book ends with Traci answering the question she spent years avoiding, in her own list: Finish this sentence three times: "I am..."

Host checklist

Set the mood the way the book does

  • Light every candle you own (safely, of course), cue up a playlist, and tell everyone to wear something comfy.
  • Put out pens and paper or journals for the journal moment.
  • Have something to sip. Traci would vote for a crisp white wine or a sparkling water.

A gentle reminder

  • Every question is optional, and stories are always welcome.

A suggested 90-minute flow

  • First 15 minutes: Welcome. Snacks, hellos, and everyone finds a seat.
  • Next 10 minutes: A mood-setting first question. Start with question 1 and go around the room: How do you mark time? One sentence each is plenty.
  • Next 40 minutes: Themes. Choose three or four themes. Let the conversation wander, and move on when the energy dips.
  • Next 15 minutes: Journal moment. Pick one prompt, give everyone seven quiet minutes, and invite (never require) a few people to share a line.
  • Last 10 minutes: Closing round. See the question below.

Invite Traci

Copies for the group

Closing round question

  • Go around the room and have everyone finish this sentence: "This week, this is how I’ll love her: ___." (Her is you.)
Bring It to Your Team